Birds or Blokes?
by LuxaLovesLawnmowers
Summary: Kakashi, after a smile at the wrong time, is now suspected to be gay by the entire ninja population. Too bad ninja can't mind their own business. Non slash, based off a line in a Naruto movie.


Disclaimer- I do not own Naruto

This is based on Naruto Shippuden Movie 3, Inheritors of the Will of Fire, where at the end Kakashi smiles, thinking about how Naruto is just like Obito, but Naruto and the rest of the Konoha 11 mistake this as Kakashi making a pass at Naruto. Asuma's not in it cause he's dead. Kurenai's pregnant.

* * *

Kakashi sighed. He found himself drowning himself in sake more and more lately. He was pretty sure he was a whole bottle in. Stupid high alcohol tolerance level.

The reason he was drinking away his unhappiness was that due to a smile at the wrong time, the entire teenage ninja population now thought him not only homosexual, but also after Naruto.

Iruka sat down next to him. The stupid idiot had a grin on his face. Why did Kakashi feel this did not bode well for him? Oh yea, cause it always did.

"So, Kakashi, I heard your cover got blown today." teased Iruka.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." retorted Kakashi automatically. Great. The story had already gotten to the Chunins'? By tomorrow the Jonins' and Tsunade would know. Hell, even Jiriaya might hear about on his travels in the next week.

"You know, about your _preferences_."

"I prefer miso and eggplant to anything sweet, if that's what you mean."

"No, about whether you like birds or blokes!" cried an exasperated Iruka.

Kakashi hid a grin. Honestly, this was almost worth it. Ok, that was the sake. Nothing was worth this.

"I don't like birds…" trailed off Kakashi.

Iruka grinned. "We knew it!"

"Because that's called bestiality." finished Kakashi. "Oh, you meant as in the British version of birds?"

Then it hit Kakashi. "What do you mean, we?"

Iruka smiled sheepishly. "Hey guys, you can come out now."

And out of the shadows came…

Kotetsu, Izumo, Genma, Shikaku, and Guy. Kakashi decided then and there he would personally hunt them down and kill them later. The five ninja sat down.

"Why are you all here?" sighed Kakashi.

"To see if the rumors are true, of course." said Kotetsu bluntly. "I mean, we've all been wondering for years, and now with Naruto shouting all around the village..."

"You've been wondering for _years_?"

"Well, you've never had a girlfriend. And it's been a drag not knowing for this long." groaned Shikaku.

"I've never had a girlfriend because the village girls are crazy fangirl stalkers, Kurenai's pregnant, Shizune's more in love with TonTon than me, and Anko, to put it bluntly, is a bitch!" retorted Kakashi.

"What was that about me being a bitch?" asked Anko as she slid into the seat next to him, a dango stick in her hand.

"No offense." said Kakashi, rolling his eyes. Soon every ninja in the Leaf would end up in this pub.

"None taken." said Anko between bites.

Guy intervened before another word could be said. "I have to say, Kakashi, I'm not surprised that your bloom of youth has bloomed in a different way than most."

"Hey, what's that supposed to mean!" protested Kakashi.

"Just that it's natural, and you shouldn't try to hide it!"

"I'm not hiding anything!"

At that moment Guy's eyes bulged. "Don't you dare go anywhere near Lee or Neji! Especially Neji, I've wondering about him for some time…"

Kakashi repressed the urge to punch him. Izumo caught it and grinned. "Hey, Kakashi."

"What?" asked Kakashi warily. He was _so_ not drunk enough for this.

"Do you have a boyfriend? Who is it?"

"I haven't even said that I'm gay yet!"

"Ah, see, we're such good friends that you don't have to tell us." said Genma.

Kakashi groaned. Loudly. Maybe they'd go away if he ignored him.

Nope.

"So why Naruto?" asked Shikaku. "My son, Shikamaru, he'll be mighty upset…"

"Why!" chorused the group, minus Kakashi.

"Didn't you know? He's had a crush on Kakashi for years."

Kakashi was just starting to bang his head on the table when Tenzo showed up.

"Oh, thank Kami. Tenzo, save me!"

But Tenzo was frowning. "Is what I just heard from Naruto true?"

"Not you too!" moaned Kakashi.

"So is it?"

Genma grinned. "Completely!"

"You can't just say stuff like that! I am so not agreed on this!" objected Kakashi.

Anko waved her empty stick of dango at him. To his chagrin, he noticed his bottle of sake was empty. "You should accept who you are, Kashi." she slurred.

Kotetsu and Izumo seemed to be having an argument.

"He so was not after Sasuke! He was like, 12 back then!"

"Yea, but they trained together for a month _alone_, and now that we know about Kakashi, it changes everything! Who knows what "Secret Training" Kakashi put him through?"

"Kakashi may be gay, but he's not a rapist!"

"It might not have been rape. And now, thinking about, there must have been a reason Sasuke hated Itachi so much…" Kotetsu trailed off as he saw the angry Jonin glaring at him.

Kakashi couldn't take it anymore. He got up, leaving the village idiots to discuss his sexuality alone. He walked off, not drunk enough to laugh it off, but too drunk to get angry. After awhile he realized that someone was following him. From the sounds of the giggling, it was more than one someone.

He lifted his headband slowly, making it look like he was rubbing his eye. Judging by their chakra signatures, the leader was Naruto. No surprise there. Sakura was there too, probably to "keep an eye on Naruto". When he realized who the next person was, he almost laughed out loud. They'd managed to rope Neji into this too? Hmmm... Maybe Guy was right about him… And was that Shino? Why on Earth was he there? Kakashi couldn't figure _that_ one out. They seemed to be talking about something. Unfortunately for them Kakashi had the senses of an Inuzuka, and he could listen in quite easily.

"Shino, are you sure this plan will work?" Naruto was whispering. "How do you know he'll do what we want him to?"

"It's only common sense." snarled Sakura. "It's gonna get wet, he's gonna go inside the first person's house he knows."

"You're all idiots." said Neji, presumably rolling his eyes.

"Quiet." hissed Shino. Kakashi sighed. They were planning something, and Kakashi couldn't go home just because he had managed to keep where he lived a secret from Naruto all this time, and he wasn't about to reveal it now. He looked around for somewhere to go, and spotted Kurenai's house up ahead. He dashed to her door and knocked quickly. Kurenai answered the door.

"Hello?"

"Can I come in? There are several teenagers after my blood."

"Sure."

Kakashi walked in. He had no idea he was walking straight into a certain four teenagers' trap.

Kakashi sat down on a couch. Kurenai, who was wearing a loose maternity blouse, sat across from him.

"Would you like some sake?" she asked, holding up a bottle.

"You haven't been drinking, have you?" he questioned.

"Of course not. This is for when Shikaku comes over." she laughed.

"Just give me the bottle, please." he requested. He took a deep drink.

"So what's been going on with you?" she asked.

"Naruto has spread the story around that I'm gay." muttered Kakashi, who was getting a little more drunk by the second.

Kurenai laughed again. "Sounds like you've had quite an eventful day."

"You have no idea."

They talked for over an hour, while Kakashi got more and more drunk. But even a drunk Kakashi can understand that something's afoot.

"More sake?" pressed Kurenai.

Kakashi tried to think straight. He wanted more sake, right? No, wait, he didn't. Why did Kurenai want him to drink more?

"C'mon, Kakashi. You want more, don't you?" she teased, holding the new bottle in front of him.

Kakashi hesitated. The alcohol-induced side won over, and he grabbed the bottle and took a big swig. "Whhaat are y-you up t-to?" he slurred.

Kurenai smiled sweetly. "Nothing, dearie. Now drink up or I'll stick a kunai up your ass."

Gulping, Kakashi drank. With more sweetly evil glances from Kurenai, he drank more and more. He didn't think he'd ever been this drunk in his life. And that's including the time his challenge with Guy had been to see who could hold the most liquor.

He had won, but that wasn't the point. The point was that Kurenai didn't look like she was going to let him stop anytime soon. He suppressed a burp, and looked at her through bleary eyes.

"Whhy-y arrre y-you making mee d-do thisss?" he stuttered.

"If you're still asking questions, you're not drunk enough. Now drink up." she said, sounding completely like an innocent doctor rather than an enforcer of the drunken arts.

"P-please let m-me stop." he begged.

"I thought men were supposed to _like_ drinking." scoffed. Then her eyes lowered sadly. "Asuma certainly did." she murmured.

'Stupid guilt trip.' he thought as he downed even more alcohol. Soon he knew he wouldn't be able to stand straight.

After another half an hour, when Kakashi could barely hold up his head straight, Kurenai called to someone he couldn't see.

"He's ready. You can come in after a moment." Kurenai reached over and pulled up his mask. "You shouldn't lower your guard like that." she teased. "Now I'm off to bed, I don't want to strain the baby."

And off she went, laughing quietly to herself.

Naruto, Sakura, Neji, and Shino walked in. Kakashi groaned loudly. It had all been a trap.

"Hi sensei!" laughed Naruto. He seemed positively thrilled that his sensei was so drunk he couldn't tell a kunai from Pakkun.

"Whhy arre y-you here?" he asked.

"Because Shino said sake is a truth serum and we wanted the truth." blurted Sakura.

Neji nodded, albeit sheepishly. "We want to know."

"K-know w-what?"

"If you're gay." said Shino matter-of-factly.

"Why d-do y-you care?" Kakashi slumped on the sofa.

Neji blushed and looked way, but Naruto bounced on the balls of his feet.

"Cause I wanna know if you really are after me." yelled Naruto happily.

"I-I'm not a-after y-you." he slurred.

Naruto's face broke into waves of relief. "Oh, thank Kami! Cause I like someone else, so that would make training really awkward…"

But no one was paying him attention anymore. They were watching Kakashi, who had fallen onto the floor. Sakura glanced at Shino. "You don't think Kurenai-sensei got him a little too drunk, do you?"

Shino shrugged. "It's too late now."

Sakura and Neji helped Kakashi stand. At this point he was unconscious.

"Um, we should take him home." suggested Sakura.

"Does anyone know where he lives?" asked Neji.

They all shook their heads, but Naruto started grinning.

"I have an idea." he said.

* * *

The next morning, Hatake Kakashi woke up with the worst headache he'd ever had. With an effort, he opened his eyes. The blinding light seared into his retinas, and he groaned. What had happened last night? He remembered something about Kurenai…

Then he realized he was completely upright, but he wasn't standing. He was tied to something! Tied to a post. The he saw the memorial stone a little ways off. He was at the training grounds. Someone had tied him to a post, like how he'd tied up Naruto so long ago…

Everything came back to him.

Damn that Naruto.

* * *

So what'd you think? Don't flame me about Neji or Shikamaru, I just added those to make it funny, and I'm a huge Neji fan. And did any of you notice that I didn't actually answer the question, ? You tell me what you think about Kakashi. Birds or blokes?

Oh, and I'm pretty sure the British refer to girls as birds and boys as blokes. Like 95% percent sur, but correct me if I'm wrong.

Now please tell me if you liked it!


End file.
